"Prepared My Whole Life, Afraid to Begin"

A Lifetime of Preparing

Part of me feels like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life—waiting for my time to shine.

The other part whispers: what if I’m not as great as I once believed I could be? What if I’m not as great as everyone always thought I was?

I hear my grandaddy’s voice:

“That gal is smart! She gon’ be something when she get older.”

Coming from him, that meant everything.

The Genius Who Raised Me

Anybody who knew my grandaddy knew he was a genius.

A genius shackled by addiction, OCD, dyslexia, bipolar disorder, and schizophrenia.

He was so smart, but never quite figured out how to climb out of the hole that kept him from instilling in himself what he instilled in me.

He poured himself into me instead—investing in me, teaching me everything he could while time was still on his side. Preparing me for the day he wouldn’t be here.

My head was filled with hope and dreams so wide I felt I could do anything.

But the very mind that made him brilliant was also the mind that betrayed him. Brain cancer took him away.

Sometimes I wonder if he was too smart for this world.

Sometimes I wonder if it will find me too.

Warnings and Truths

He told me the truth about our family history.

He laid out our weaknesses plain and clear.

He warned me: be careful.

Careful not to fall to addiction.

Careful not to be crushed by the pressures of this cold world.

And even though he did his damndest to protect his “Jewel,”

I still stumbled.

I fell into almost everything he warned me about.

The Weight of Shame

From childhood up until August 16, 2020, I carried shame.

Shame because I knew better.

Shame because failure cut deep.

Shame because I never got to show him he did a good job with me—

that none of my mistakes were because of him.

Standing at the Edge

Now here I am, standing on the edge of something new.

My chest tight with fear.

My body heavy with anxiety.

Because it’s time.

Time to pay it forward.

Time to live out what I know is right—

now that I’m no longer drowning my fears in a glass half vodka, half juice, three ice cubes.

Maybe it was never about proving anything to him.

Maybe it has always been about proving who I am—

to myself.

-Mecia