"Prepared My Whole Life, Afraid to Begin"

A Lifetime of Preparing: Embracing My Journey

Part of me feels like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life—waiting for my time to shine. The other part whispers: what if I’m not as great as I once believed I could be? What if I’m not as great as everyone always thought I was?

I hear my grandaddy’s voice:

“That gal is smart! She gon’ be something when she get older.”

Coming from him, that meant everything.

The Genius Who Raised Me

Anyone who knew my grandaddy recognized his brilliance. He was a genius, but he was also shackled by addiction, OCD, dyslexia, bipolar disorder, and schizophrenia. His intelligence was remarkable, yet he struggled to overcome the challenges that held him back. Despite his own battles, he poured himself into me. He invested in my future, teaching me everything he could while time was still on his side. He prepared me for the day he wouldn’t be here.

My head was filled with hope and dreams so wide I felt I could do anything. But the very mind that made him brilliant was also the mind that betrayed him. Brain cancer took him away far too soon. Sometimes I wonder if he was too smart for this world. Sometimes I wonder if it will find me too.

Warnings and Truths

He told me the truth about our family history. He laid out our weaknesses plain and clear. He warned me: be careful. Careful not to fall into addiction. Careful not to be crushed by the pressures of this cold world.

Even though he did his best to protect his “Jewel,” I still stumbled. I fell into almost everything he warned me about.

The Weight of Shame

From childhood up until August 16, 2020, I carried shame. Shame because I knew better. Shame because failure cut deep. Shame because I never got to show him he did a good job with me—that none of my mistakes were because of him.

Standing at the Edge

Now here I am, standing on the edge of something new. My chest tight with fear. My body heavy with anxiety. Because it’s time. Time to pay it forward. Time to live out what I know is right—now that I’m no longer drowning my fears in a glass half vodka, half juice, three ice cubes.

Maybe it was never about proving anything to him. Maybe it has always been about proving who I am—to myself.

A New Chapter: Finding My Voice

As I step into this new chapter, I realize that my journey is not just about me. It’s about the lessons I’ve learned and the strength I’ve gained. I want to share my experiences with others who may feel lost or overwhelmed.

Understanding Social Anxiety

Social anxiety can feel isolating. It’s a condition that affects many, making everyday interactions daunting. I’ve felt that weight, and I know how paralyzing it can be. But I also know that there is hope. There are tools and strategies that can help us navigate these challenges.

Building a Supportive Community

Community plays a vital role in our healing. Finding people who understand what we’re going through can make a world of difference. I’ve learned the importance of surrounding myself with supportive individuals who uplift and encourage me. Together, we can share our stories and empower one another.

Embracing My Journey

I’ve come to understand that my journey is unique. It’s filled with ups and downs, but each experience has shaped who I am today. I embrace my past, not as a burden, but as a foundation for my future.

Thriving in the Face of Adversity

The Lily Collection Initiative aims to empower individuals with Social Anxiety Disorder by providing essential tools, education, and community support. This initiative helps individuals thrive in environments where they currently struggle. I want to be a part of that change, helping others find their path and thrive their way.

-Mecia