Christmas, Exposure, and Choosing to Show Up

This Christmas didn’t look like the movies.

There was no crowded living room, no overlapping conversations, no chaos of wrapping paper and background noise. No smiles and laughter from my nephews and family. There was just me, a quiet day, and a decision.

I chose to show up anyway.

Living with Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD) means holidays can feel louder than they already are. The expectations, the assumptions, the invisible pressure to perform joy. It can all feel like too much. For years, my instinct has been to retreat, to stay small, to avoid situations that might trigger the familiar racing thoughts and physical discomfort.

But this year, instead of shrinking my world, I practiced exposure.

Not dramatic exposure. Not forced or punishing. Just intentional.

I got dressed. I left the house. I visited my second family who welcomed me with open arms. We exchanged meaningful gifts. I went to a restaurant alone on Christmas.

That may sound small to some people.

For me, it was brave.

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What Exposure Really Looks Like

Exposure therapy isn’t about pretending you’re not anxious. It’s about proving gently and repeatedly that anxiety isn’t dangerous, even when it’s uncomfortable.

I didn’t walk into that restaurant feeling fearless.

I walked in aware.

Aware of my breath. Aware of my body. Aware of the stories my mind wanted to tell me:

Everyone’s staring. You look out of place. You shouldn’t be here.

And then I did something different.

I didn’t argue with the thoughts. I didn’t rush to escape. I didn’t shame myself for feeling what I felt.

I stayed.

I ordered my food. I sat with myself. I took deep breaths. I stared at the fork and the food under the table that I felt under my leopard print heels. I let the anxiety rise...and fall.

And it did fall.

Even after choking on the spicy Thai food in public. I just sat with it.

That’s the part people don’t always tell you about.

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Alone Doesn’t Mean Broken

Spending Christmas alone isn’t a failure.

Eating alone isn’t a sign that something is wrong with you.

Being alone can be a season, a choice, or a step in healing. And none of those are something to be ashamed of.

What mattered most wasn’t where I was sitting. It was who I was becoming while sitting there.

-Mecia