I shed alot of weird tears today. Some were due to grief, others due to fear, and some due to anger. I have my first vendor event tomorrow and it's probably not a big deal to most but it means a lot to me. Especially since I don't really "do" people. It's not by choice however. I can't tell you bad I want to NOT give a fuck about what anybody thinks but my anxiety thinks otherwise. Deep down inside, the real me could care less, she's not nervous, she's not anxious, and she's confident yet humble. I just have to fight for the key to unlock her every.single.day.
I thought about having to endure this experience alone, that means just me and no other substance to get me through it and I've thought of all the things that could go wrong. I thought about how I've let my anxiety ruin many moments for me and how this may be no different.
For about 20 minutes I was reduced to a sobbing child and I just wanted my parents or grandparents to hold my trembling hand and walk me up to the stage and stay where I could see them
Then it hit me.
Nobody's coming with you.
You're a big girl now.
You're an adult and you gotta do this all by yourself. I heard my Granny and my grandfather in my head telling me it's gonna be alright and over before I know it. They walked me to many stages, as if they sensed that something wasn't quite normal and that I am not just "shy".
My mother has told me several stories about how I have attempted to avoid peeople even as a baby. My circle has always been small to nonexistent.
But I had to remember who else I was. I am James and Yvonne Benson's first granddaughter Jymecia. And they gave me so many tools and put so much in to making sure that I turned out alright despite any adversity.
I have no choice but to be the best I can be and I cannot bitch out now.
So I let the tears dry up and decided that if in fact they can see me now, I hope that they are proud of me. So I gotta get to it.
Social anxiety disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, untreated PTSD and major depression had me crippled and under it's control most of my life. Hopefully I can show those who are still working through the crippling part that you can be here too. Starting a business, making appearances in public, talking to people (reluctantly), and one day being interviewed by Oprah about how you overcame mental illness and trauma and became and advocate with a mission to help others do the same...ttyl.